Pretty Lynne Writes

CW: discussion of possible sexual assault 

In the midst of the Cornell 7 case coming to light – thanks to the bravery of Jane Doe, who is suing the university and the rapists – I have seen a lot of talk on social media about the fact that not a single man in the group chat did anything to stop the rape from happening. 

If you ask a woman if she’s experienced assault or harassment at the hands of a man, and she doesn’t have a story to tell you, the chances that she doesn’t feel safe enough to tell you her story are more likely than the probability that she doesn’t have a story. 

I have my own story. 

I was 19 and drunk. I was so drunk that I blacked out and don’t remember anything about getting into the bedroom of a man I considered a friend. We were close friends. I had slept in his bed before – you know, platonically, like college kids do – and that was likely the plan this night. 

I do not know how I got into that room. What I know and remember vividly is that I was roused by another man who lived in the house knocking loudly and opening the door and asking “what is going on in here?” 

After the roommate interrupted whatever was happening – and to be clear, to this day I do not know what or even if there was anything taking place – my “friend” left the room and I slept alone.

I woke up severely hungover and scared. I felt vulnerable. I didn’t know what had happened. I was lying next to a pool of vomit that I presumed was mine. The “friend” came in and told me I needed to leave and that I’d be paying to clean the carpet. He later presented me with the bill for $40. 

Two things I know for sure:

1. The roommate came into the room for a reason. 
2. I never felt safe with the “friend” again and never spent time with him alone. 

I am grateful for the roommate who wanted to know what was happening in that room, and opened the door. 

I don’t talk about this much here, but I have sons. I have raised them to say something to their friends if they see something wrong. I have drilled it into their heads to get involved if they see a situation like mine. I told them the story when they were old enough to understand what it meant, and gave them the exact script to use. I told them they were responsible for ensuring women’s safety, especially at a party or where drinking or drugs might be involved. I have taught them that women have agency and desire and are valued for more than their worth to men.

I should not need to have taught them those things, but I did. My goal was always to raise good men. 

Good men pay attention to what’s happening around them. Good men know that not being part of an assault they know is taking place doesn’t absolve them of responsibility. 

Good men get involved. Good men take action to stop harm.

And when you listen to women’s stories, it’s clear: we need more good men.