Pretty Lynne Writes

CW: sexual violence

There’s a clip going around on social media of two male characters talking about sex. It’s from the hit series Off Campus, and features one varsity hockey player asking another how to make sure a woman comes during a sexual encounter. 

“There’s a tool at your disposal,” the more experienced character says. “Trust. She’s gotta feel completely safe.” 

Women are the writers, directors and target market of this series. But I hope men hear this. I hope a lot of men hear this message. 

A month and a half or so ago, CNN broke a news story about a “rape academy” where men posted messages and videos and instructions on drugging women, often their wives or partners, and raping them in their sleep. The site had more than 6 million views in a month. 

This echoes the case of Gisele Pelicot, whose husband solicited men to have sex with her while she was drugged. A lot of men. He’s in prison now, after a trial during which she spoke openly about her experiences. At the time of the trial, one of the remarkable things was that only one or two men who were contacted about this “opportunity” declined to participate, and no one spoke up about it or reported it to the police. 

This past week, two Canadian men were arrested for making deep fake videos using photos of women they knew. They took the photos from the women’s Facebook accounts, and used AI to make pictures and videos of the women doing sexual acts. 

I know, I know –  not all men. But always a man, as the saying goes. 

I know good men. I truly believe I do. But the wife of one of the men arrested in the deep fake case thought he was a good man. Gisele Pelicot trusted her husband. Women who were recorded drugged and sleeping trusted their husbands, and believed they were good men. 

My point is that it is hard to feel safe in the world, as a woman. For women who are dating, it is potentially dangerous to meet a man for the first or even third or fifth time. Stories abound of men reacting badly to women saying no to them for a date, or going to their house for a date, or having sex right away.

So many women like sex. If only men realized that they don’t need to pressure a woman, or drug her, or coerce her into having sex with them. They just have to treat her like a human being and make her feel safe. 

That’s right. Treat her like a human being, not an object, not a resource to be mined, but a person with a complex inner life. 

When most women feel safe, and they are into you, they will open up in the wildest ways imaginable. They will show you who they truly are and what they really want. They may allow things to become a little dangerous because it is hot and sexy to them, and because they trust the person they are with. 

I’m not saying anything thousands of women haven’t said before, and better. But as a woman who makes smutty content for the internet, safety has been on my mind.

Until men start to speak up about treating women with dignity and respect – in all circumstances, not just talking about sex, as I am here – nothing will change. 

A couple of jocks on a big TV talking about safety is a good start.