Pretty Lynne Writes

As Pretty Lynne, I usually write about things when they are going well, or when I’ve got it all figured out. Today is a little bit different. 

Most days, I feel great about being a single woman. I am smart and capable and can figure out how to do things I haven’t had to do on my own. I’ve been really successful at this in the time since I moved out of the home I shared with someone for 25 years. 

And some days are really hard. It’s not so much that I need a partner; more that it feels hard to be on my own. 

I was talking to a friend the other day and she told me her sore spot is when things happen with her car. She’s totally capable of figuring them out, and does, but it’s the thing she wishes she had a partner to do. 

My thing is stress. 

It has been a hard week. A friend had a medical emergency in his family that was extremely serious, but fortunately now seems to be looking up. Work life was filled with new demands, and frustration as a manager presented changes with sneering condescension about our abilities. I’ve been sick. I’ve had a hard time sleeping. Shit is happening in the world and it is fucking scary. Some other, minor stuff happened. 

You know. Some weeks, stuff happens. 

When I have a lot of things pile up on me, I tend to struggle with my inner Linda (perfectionist). I have a hard time admitting that I’m finding it difficult to cope. 

Stress also tends to trigger my fear of being alone. I hide, which makes that fear worse. And sometimes I alienate the very people who might help by assuming I’m asking for too much, just by having feelings. 

On my worst day, it was super tempting to “crash out,” as the kids say, in public. To say online “I hate everything and feel shitty about myself and my ability to cope,” in the hope that people would offer love and support. 

Instead, I posted that I was “incandescent with rage and feelings” and added a black and white shot of my ass. I guess thirst traps can be the GenX version of crashing out. 

But I got thinking about it. Would it be so wrong to show the side of myself who feels like a shitshow? 

Conveniently, I have this blog, here, to say whatever I want. So I’m using it to come out as someone who has – gasp – human tendencies. Who sometimes feels alone and sad. Who worries about the world and feels scared for her people, and who just wants to know that she matters even if she isn’t coping very well. Who wants to know people who can handle her big feelings and still call themselves friends. Who needs to ask for love and support when everything feels like it’s going wrong.

Because some days are like that, for [real name]. Even as Pretty Lynne.