Pretty Lynne Writes

“You’re so pretty,” my friend said to me. It was one of those nights you have with friends where everyone drinks a lot and the conversation turns to how much you all love each other. 

“You should have seen her 10 years ago,” another friend said. I laughed at him, but I am a slow processor. Things tend to settle in with me after a minute. Later, that offhand comment sure stung.

Ten years ago, I did look different. I had tiny wrinkles around my nose when I smiled, but the rest of my face was pretty smooth. My hair was a shade of blonde from a bottle. My blue eyes were bright. My body was…easier. I’ve been a lot of different sizes in my life. But ten years ago my body moved more easily. Clothes fit me in a different way. I recognized myself in the mirror. 

I am embarrassed to admit how often those words come back to my mind. Sometimes it’s when I’m putting some concealer under my eyes to cover the dark circles of too little sleep. Sometimes it’s when I am trying to find something to wear that is comfortable and mildly stylish.

Confirmation bias is a devil of a thing. When I think of the difference between me now and me ten years ago, I think of all of the less-than-desirable changes in my appearance. 

Walk with me, reader, as I reframe that comment, and make it a good thing. 

First of all, I’ve lived a lot of life in those ten years. A. LOT. OF. LIFE. I’ve experienced almost half of the items on the Holmes-Rahe Stress Inventory. And here I stand, still moving forward. 

Second, I’ve learned a lot in that time. I’ve considered the ways I’d like to be perceived. I’ve thought about some goals for myself and have taken some steps towards achieving them. I’ve made friends who really know me. I’ve discovered parts of myself I didn’t know existed. I’ve gotten back in touch with my creative side after a long time away. 

Third, I’ve decided that my appearance, while still important to me, does not have the priority in my life it used to have. I have so many other attributes to appreciate. Oh sure, I still need to be hyped up now and again – one doesn’t just fix a lifetime of worrying that you aren’t quite as good as other people – but more and more, I can list some of them myself. 

Fourth and finally, for the purposes of this post, there is a sense of ease with myself now that I didn’t have ten years ago. I worry a lot less; I often really appreciate the little things; I am happy more often. There is a woman online who has started what she calls the “We Do Not Care Club,” and I feel that so much. There are things I just don’t care about anymore that would have been so important to me ten years ago (see item number 1: major life events definitely impact what seems important).

Yes, you should have seen me ten years ago. I was something then. 

But goddamn, I’m something now, too. And the most important thing is that I see that, even if others don’t.