Pretty Lynne Writes

I’ve written and spoken a lot about my reasons for writing and recording, and how I try not to pay attention to the metrics involved to measure success for myself. I have managed to be satisfied with my creative journey, for the most part, so far. 

Recently, I had an experience that really shook my faith in my work. Shook it so much that I basically decided to quit. 

All of the notions of personal growth, finding my voice, learning about myself, trusting myself – all of that went straight out the window. 

Why? Because my little inner perfectionist got really loud about how I wasn’t as good as other people. 

Let’s call her Linda (no relation to the Linda of Be Cool, Linda). 

Linda stays quiet a lot of the time. I can leave my dishes until the next day. I can show up at work and fuck up a little and know that it’s not the end of the world. She can let the grass get too long and the outfit not match and the time between hair cuts go longer than it likely should, and not say a thing. When Linda is quiet, I sort of forget she’s there. 

When Linda speaks up, she’s fucking loud about it. Linda told me I was wasting my time writing and recording. She pointed out all of the times I don’t get chosen for highlights and recaps. She noticed the people who never comment on my writing. She noticed the numbers being lower than other people’s. Linda loves a comparison, and she’s pretty selective about the evidence she uses.

Linda decided it wasn’t enough to pick on my writing. She showed me that the mirror was lying to me about how I look. She pointed out the new lines on my face. She made sure to let me know when I ate something I shouldn’t have, and wondered if I should have had that second drink. She whispered in my ear that I was alone and told me that I likely would be alone for a long time. 

You might be reading this thinking, “Linda, you’re such a bitch!” And I get that. But the truth is this: Linda is trying her hardest to protect me. 

Linda’s whole goal is to make sure that I do everything right so that people will like me. Linda wants to make sure that I don’t mess up and be criticized, because she knows that the thought of people not liking me is painful and difficult. 

I can’t really be mad at Linda when she gets loud like this. 

In the past, I would rely on the reassurance of other people to talk back to Linda, to argue that, no, I’m doing just fine and that people like me the way I am – a little messy and human. We all need that reassurance, of course. What I’m learning is that Linda doesn’t care so much about the opinions of other people. Linda needs to know that I don’t need her protection. 

So, I had a little talk with Linda. I let her know that I heard her. That I knew she was protecting me from scrutiny, but that she could be quiet because I can survive a little scrutiny. That I can feel sad about the experience I had, and know that it’s okay to feel the way I felt about it. That I know not everyone will like me, and that’s okay, because I know I don’t like everyone else either. That I can remind myself that I have reasons for what I am doing and I am free to stop at any time if those reasons aren’t enough for me anymore. That I can trust myself to know when my work is good. 

Linda heard me, took a long deep breath, and sat down. She could rest again. 

*What I am describing here is a principle of  Internal Family Systems therapy, also known as “parts work.” I do this work with the help of a professional, and I highly recommend it.